Hey there, righteous babe….

Sorry, I went crazy but I’m back now and I got tshirts for everybody!

A friend of mine had her very own custom drink made available for the world to see by a new start up company called Sea Bishop Spirits.

It’s called The Righteous Babe. Who doesn’t want that?  You can have your very own, at home, by using and doing the following things… It is scientifically proven to attract righteous babes, said no scientist ever.

1 1/2oz good, organic raw whiskey (such as Death’s Door White Whiskey)
1 1/2oz blueberry-basil simple syrup*
1 1/2oz fresh pressed lemon juice
3/4oz gran gala

Use a spent lemon half to moisten the rim of your bucket glass. Give it a good twist in your sugar dish, then pack your glass with ice. Combine all ingredients in a plastic mixing pint, give them a good shake, then strain over your fresh ice. Top with soda water, and garnish with a lemon twist.

*The blueberry-basil simple syrup is an easy feat! Take your usual ratio of sugar to water and combine with a pint of blueberries and a chiffonade of basil. Let simmer for about an hour before straining.

All credit goes to Sydney Uebelacker.

Behind the scenes:
The picture is actually a virgin righteous babe that Syd made just for the purposes of a picture. I had the pleasure of having this virgin righteous babe and it was… super crisp and oh so sweet. You know what I mean. And if you don’t, I suggest you get on it! Make this drink, you pervs!

Pro Tip: That blueberry-basil simple syrup makes a dank ass Italian soda. Straight palate orgasm. No joke. Ask me for a recipe and I’ll procure one. I supply palate orgasms for a living…

You can find Sea Bishop Spirits here https://www.facebook.com/SeaBishopSpirits and here https://twitter.com/DrinkSeaBishop.

Have fun and be safe, friends!

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Not a good reason to lol (but let’s lol anyway)

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So. After a fun night of bowling and drinking with a beautiful date. I come home to read this story.

http://www.thedrinksbusiness.com/2013/09/snake-preserved-in-wine-bites-woman/?utm_content=buffer5cbfa&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=Buffer

Can’t we all agree that if the snake SURVIVES being bottled and pickled for months on end, that it deserves to bite at least one asshole?  I mean, god damn. The snake earned it.

Do we agree?

DO WE!?

the greatest excuse ever

A while back I saw a study about intelligent people being prone to drink more.  As an intelligent person (duh) I took this as great rationalization for my drinking, “I’m smart I can’t help it.”  The huge counterpoint I make to this is, I’ve seen a ton of not-so-intelligent mofuckers drink habitually as well.  So really, people drink. Dumb ones, smart ones, ugly ones… me. You.

Or at least you should, smart people do…

Today, I saw a news report that reaffirmed my lifestyle even more.

My natural response to this video was (in a valley girl voice). “Chaa, of course us smart people do drugs. I do drugs.”

The scientists (scientists? idk) say that if you have a higher IQ you are more likely to be open to new experiences, i.e. drugs and alcohol.

Is this information a way for us to explain our lifestyles, or simply some bullshit excuse for our fuckupedness?

I don’t know. I don’t really care.

Maybe that’s the problem.

***Wine

Magic trick time.  I am going to change your perception of what gross is and what gross can be. I want you to think of the grossest, worstest alcohol you have ever muscled through just for a buzz.

Focus on it. Real hard. Yeah, like that. The grossest thing ever….

Now, realize that in order to change your perception of gross, I have to show you something really fucking gross.  I mean, oh mein gott it’s gross.

—I feel half bad for calling it gross, since it is a cultural practice.  Gross is a subjective adjective.  One man’s gross is another man’s gourmet.

With that said, this shit is sofa king gross.  You’ve been warned….

Now, think about the grossest alcohol ever you muscled through just for a buzz.  It doesn’t seem so bad anymore does it?

Did the trick work?  Have your perceptions changed?  Let me know in the comments.

The full documentary about Korean Poop Wine can be found here.

Shazaam, bitches!

Something Super Important

Yeah, I’ll write the blog! But not until I get my got damned pajama pants on. Good. Continue, you fucking idiot.  (I’ll take things I say to myself for a thousand, Alex)

I was lucky enough to find an orange soda in the fridge tonight upon my arrival from the Beee Aye Arrghhhh (bar? duh), but that isn’t what this is blog about. This blog is about…

And at this point in writing the blog I got distracted by the following things in the following order.  Is it cool to just post the links?  No one ever told me the rules to this shit.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FY6VcJR2PE – fo reals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PputxGopVQ – if you can’t dig this beat you have a hole in your soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaReSAXyXAo Seeing Mictlan in the last video made me think of this.  The piano at the end is to die for.

http://www.odysseybmx.com/dailyword/2013/08/odsy-vision-broc-raiford-in-hb/ – this shit just dropped.  Maybe in the future we will talk about democratized tools and how they have enhanced the world of action sports. I’ll get all sorts of nerdy on your bitch asses… If you’re lucky. 

You might be thinking to yourself, well it would take me an awful lot of time to go through all those links.  Yeah, well, if you’ve ever talked to a drunkard then you know it’s sort of a commitment and long windedness is sort of expect. And by god*, you just might learn something…

Doubtful. 

What was this blog about again?  It’s not about the extremely entertaining romance that randomly popped into my life this last week. Oh no, it’s not about that.  It’s about something way more imporant.   Something that needs to be talked about.

Personally, I am a fan of oral sex, dogs, and riding bmx(almost in that order, bike to dog, eh). 

What does that have to do with fucking anything?  I’ll tell you what it fucking has to do with anything.

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You see that shit?  What the fuck?

About now you are realizing why this is way more important than anything else in existence.  If you were a faithful reader (I love you) then you engaged in all those links up there and can put together the meme with the last link.  It’s BMX!

 

The rider is performing a 180 tire grab, where in he/she/they hops, spins 180 degrees, and grabs the front tire.  But we all know that isn’t the most interesting thing in this picture.  I’m not even going to talk about the interesting things about this picture, because you have eyes.  And I suppose you are blind a reader listening to this through brail then you are up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.  I wish you could see this shit.

This meme was brought to my attention by a wise man on Facebook.  After short deliberation, we established that it may be photoshopped. I don’t know if it is.  All I know is that it is entertaining as hell (I hope it’s not photoshopped).

Bmx. Head. Threeway dog gangbang.  Do I need to explain why this is more important than anything ever?  No.  I didn’t fucking think so.

I would also like to add that I pointed at my webcam and asked the man if he liked that web search – bmx. head. dog gangbang. Bitch…  I know you’re watching…

Is it photoshopped? You tell me.

TELL ME!

* Have you ever noticed that spellcheck always tells you to capitalize god?  I taught my computer to be an atheist, no more squiggly red lines. Huh? What? Yeah.

Night Night.

Hey hey hey, look what I wrote.

Good Saturday evening travelers of the blue planet.

I just got an awesome idea for a brand new medicine that all of us could use.  Here is the commercial for it, written in standard screenplay format with a little drunken flare to boot.  We’re playing it loose tonight!

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How’d that feel?

Huh? Huh? 

Be safe friends.

Answers! Whoopee!

Howdy do neighbors!

Rummytummy in the house!

I know I’ve left you on the edge of your seats for far too long, but I was lucky enough to score a week off work to go to an amusement park.  I was camping during the duration and it ain’t camping if there is wifi available.  Can I get a witness?  I’m back now and I’m ready to serve you up with a healthy dose of mayhem.

 So, I gave you 3 facts about myself and one of those facts was a lie.  A downright, no good, some other adjective lie.  I’ll tell you which one is embarrassingly true.  Well, they’re all embarrassingly true. EXCEPT ONE…

DUN DUN DUN

I just realized that if anyone is scrolling down the blog they are going to come across this first and learn the answers to the dating game.  I suppose I should type something along the lines of SPOILER ALERT AHEAD.  Go read the other blog first, dick..  Why you making me take up people’s time?

The fuck is wrong with you?

Did you go read it?

Good.

Now I can tell you that the downright, no good, some other adjective lie is…

Fact number 2.

That’s right, suckas!  I have never been arrested for being naked, anywhere ever.  I’ve actually never been arrested, period, which is a miracle in and of itself.  Come and get me coppas!

Fact #1 is damn true.  A teenage bicycle landed me drugged AND lubed up, if you know what I mean.  I remember the professional ball ultrasounder was attractive.  That’s good enough for me.  The second time is a little more embarrassing, but luckily for you, we do this blog while inebriateted so I don’t give a fuck and have two thumbs, so I am this guy.

My second adventure into ball ultrasound land happened due to a freak case of epididymitis.  Basically the canals around a ball, a motherfucking testicllllle, swell, creating the “third ball” effect. As I like to put it.  It makes the nutsack super heavy, and it feels like a chronic case of blueballs and most of all, it’s fucking expensive. God damn.  But having a proper set of junk after a round of antibiotics was like fuck yeah!  My wrestling coach was told me that if you never felt shitty you could nevr feel good.  You need one to enjoy the other.  So a round of applause for my nuts.  Thank you thank you.

Fact #3 is completely and totally true.  Swear to god.  Straight out of highschool and with nothing better to do, I greyhounded 36 hours to the Minneapolis, Minnesota to meet a girl I met playing online checkers.  I should mention that her parents were out of town that week. 

Game changer…

Goodnight you rascally rascals.  Thanks for playing and feel free to request the pictures of my swollen testicles. Feel free to do whatever you want actually.  So long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.  That’s the only rule in life.

Why don’t you tell me how you feel about all this bullshit in the comments.