Howdy do neighbors!
Rummytummy in the house!
I know I’ve left you on the edge of your seats for far too long, but I was lucky enough to score a week off work to go to an amusement park. I was camping during the duration and it ain’t camping if there is wifi available. Can I get a witness? I’m back now and I’m ready to serve you up with a healthy dose of mayhem.
So, I gave you 3 facts about myself and one of those facts was a lie. A downright, no good, some other adjective lie. I’ll tell you which one is embarrassingly true. Well, they’re all embarrassingly true. EXCEPT ONE…
DUN DUN DUN
I just realized that if anyone is scrolling down the blog they are going to come across this first and learn the answers to the dating game. I suppose I should type something along the lines of SPOILER ALERT AHEAD. Go read the other blog first, dick.. Why you making me take up people’s time?
The fuck is wrong with you?
Did you go read it?
Now I can tell you that the downright, no good, some other adjective lie is…
Fact number 2.
That’s right, suckas! I have never been arrested for being naked, anywhere ever. I’ve actually never been arrested, period, which is a miracle in and of itself. Come and get me coppas!
Fact #1 is damn true. A teenage bicycle landed me drugged AND lubed up, if you know what I mean. I remember the professional ball ultrasounder was attractive. That’s good enough for me. The second time is a little more embarrassing, but luckily for you, we do this blog while inebriateted so I don’t give a fuck and have two thumbs, so I am this guy.
My second adventure into ball ultrasound land happened due to a freak case of epididymitis. Basically the canals around a ball, a motherfucking testicllllle, swell, creating the “third ball” effect. As I like to put it. It makes the nutsack super heavy, and it feels like a chronic case of blueballs and most of all, it’s fucking expensive. God damn. But having a proper set of junk after a round of antibiotics was like fuck yeah! My wrestling coach was told me that if you never felt shitty you could nevr feel good. You need one to enjoy the other. So a round of applause for my nuts. Thank you thank you.
Fact #3 is completely and totally true. Swear to god. Straight out of highschool and with nothing better to do, I greyhounded 36 hours to the Minneapolis, Minnesota to meet a girl I met playing online checkers. I should mention that her parents were out of town that week.
Goodnight you rascally rascals. Thanks for playing and feel free to request the pictures of my swollen testicles. Feel free to do whatever you want actually. So long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. That’s the only rule in life.
Why don’t you tell me how you feel about all this bullshit in the comments.