Sometimes, I even get lucky with myself.

Sometimes, I even get lucky with myself.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that I polish off 2-3 bottles of wine per week.

There is even less wrong with the fact that I’m often doing this on my own. While doing homework. In the bath. Walking my dogs.

Seriously, it’s a great bonding experience with myself.

Rainbows and sunshine, peeps!

~ Grog

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Hypocrisy for the WIN!

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Took this photo while riding shotgun DRUNK off my ass on the way to the next bar.

This is a bright yellow Mini Cooper that has church and I LOVE JESUS decals all over it.

He cut us off, gave us the finger for going the speed limit, and proceeded to drive like a RECKLESS MANIAC for almost three miles.

We lost the “Victory Chapel” mobile when he opted to run a redlight that we thought better of to stop at.

Do you think he’s just in a big hurry to get to service in the morning?

Hmmmm.

At least I’ve got a DD. Perhaps Jesus is his?

Farting rainbows,

~Grog

DYSLEXICS, UNTIE! (Whoever made that word is a douche, because I can’t even spell it sober)

Tonight’s a screwdriver kinda night, and I’m a screwdriver kinda gal!Image

Is that dental floss in the background? You bet your arse, sweet cheeks! We love our teeth around here!

You see that, folks? That’s classiness right there.

Pinky out, ‘cause I’m one helluva classy lady.

I decided tonight that alcohol and Super Mario Bros. do not mix. To clarify, that’s the newer one where you’re on a team with your fiancé, and even though you bought him the Wii U for his birthday, he still doesn’t have the fuckin’ decency to let you be Mario for once… but I digress.

SMBs is quite the volatile concoc(k)tion for when you’re already tipsy and staring down the barrel of that screwdriver you only made because someone drank all of the cranberry juice and didn’t tell you.

You know what’s really satisfying? A huge, wet, sloppy…

 

…bowl of Pho.

(That’s pronounced ‘fuh’ for all of you uncultured swine.)

 What’dja think I was gonna say.

 Me? Make a dick joke? Not on your life, Nancy. Unless your name isn’t Nancy, in which case… maybe. If your name is Nancy, though, bad news, I sktraight up lied to yo face!

Nancy. Puh. The only “Nancy”s I know are bitches. There was “Just Say No” Nancy, and… uh, “Nancy-boy”? Alright, that’s reaching

OH 

Nancy Drew. She friend-zoned Frank Hardy so fast that boy had whiplash on their adventure to Egypt.

… No, YOU’RE showing your age!

(Sigh) I swear to god, guys, cultural references… get them. They’re not hipster, they’re just obscure.

I can’t be the only one who wanted the illicit romance between Nancy and Frank to happen, can I?! Besides, who the fuck wants to marry a guy named “Ned Nickerson” anyway? Fuckssake, they’d be Nancy and Ned Nickerson!

In conclusion—Nancy Drew: Crime Solving Bitch Face and Cockblock Extraordinaire.

Fuzzy, shits and giggles,

Moonshie 

 

 

 

National Rum Day: August 16th!

National Rum Day: August 16th!

Whaaaaaaat?

You didn’t know it was National Rum Day?

You bet your skid-marked britches that’s a real holiday, folks, and this drunkard – enthusiastically points at self – plans to celebrate hardcore tonight.

Don’t think my lack of recent posts means I’ve gone all soberfied on you – to be honest, I’ve just drank so much most nights that I’m barely able to avoid walking into walls and NOT wetting myself has become a heroic feat of strength. Yup, I’m walking that precarious line between functioning alcoholic and table-dancing, vomit-in-the-hair, raging alcoholic quite nicely.

I swear on my bottle of Captain Morgan’s that I shall not get too sloshed to post this weekend and, in honor of National Rum Day, I’ll even try not to moon anyone before midnight.

Farting rainbows,

~ Grog

Be Prepared!

I’m plotting something e-villlll!

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This Saturday is my fiance’s 27th birthday party! His actual birthday is today, but it doesn’t count because we’re not drinking yet.

He has requested what we refer to as a “crunk party”, which in this case means that EVERYONE gets drunk all throughout the day. Sisters, brothers in law, mother, father–we’re hitting the booze hard and we’re doing it ALL DAY LONG.

We’re starting it off classy with mimosas at midday (and I’ve got the Barefoot Pink Moscato Bubbly, and if you’ve never had that shit then clearly your tongue has never orgasmed.) followed by our special cosmos and cosmo shots all afternoon!

Basically, vodka. Lots of vodka.

You’d think we were Russian or something, jeez.

Anyway, as a special post, I’m going to make him divulge his drunk thoughts to you on Saturday, so look for it, because that boy is CRAY when he’s schwasty-faced.

Keep it fuzzy,

Moonshine

 

Something Super Important

Yeah, I’ll write the blog! But not until I get my got damned pajama pants on. Good. Continue, you fucking idiot.  (I’ll take things I say to myself for a thousand, Alex)

I was lucky enough to find an orange soda in the fridge tonight upon my arrival from the Beee Aye Arrghhhh (bar? duh), but that isn’t what this is blog about. This blog is about…

And at this point in writing the blog I got distracted by the following things in the following order.  Is it cool to just post the links?  No one ever told me the rules to this shit.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FY6VcJR2PE – fo reals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PputxGopVQ – if you can’t dig this beat you have a hole in your soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaReSAXyXAo Seeing Mictlan in the last video made me think of this.  The piano at the end is to die for.

http://www.odysseybmx.com/dailyword/2013/08/odsy-vision-broc-raiford-in-hb/ – this shit just dropped.  Maybe in the future we will talk about democratized tools and how they have enhanced the world of action sports. I’ll get all sorts of nerdy on your bitch asses… If you’re lucky. 

You might be thinking to yourself, well it would take me an awful lot of time to go through all those links.  Yeah, well, if you’ve ever talked to a drunkard then you know it’s sort of a commitment and long windedness is sort of expect. And by god*, you just might learn something…

Doubtful. 

What was this blog about again?  It’s not about the extremely entertaining romance that randomly popped into my life this last week. Oh no, it’s not about that.  It’s about something way more imporant.   Something that needs to be talked about.

Personally, I am a fan of oral sex, dogs, and riding bmx(almost in that order, bike to dog, eh). 

What does that have to do with fucking anything?  I’ll tell you what it fucking has to do with anything.

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You see that shit?  What the fuck?

About now you are realizing why this is way more important than anything else in existence.  If you were a faithful reader (I love you) then you engaged in all those links up there and can put together the meme with the last link.  It’s BMX!

 

The rider is performing a 180 tire grab, where in he/she/they hops, spins 180 degrees, and grabs the front tire.  But we all know that isn’t the most interesting thing in this picture.  I’m not even going to talk about the interesting things about this picture, because you have eyes.  And I suppose you are blind a reader listening to this through brail then you are up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.  I wish you could see this shit.

This meme was brought to my attention by a wise man on Facebook.  After short deliberation, we established that it may be photoshopped. I don’t know if it is.  All I know is that it is entertaining as hell (I hope it’s not photoshopped).

Bmx. Head. Threeway dog gangbang.  Do I need to explain why this is more important than anything ever?  No.  I didn’t fucking think so.

I would also like to add that I pointed at my webcam and asked the man if he liked that web search – bmx. head. dog gangbang. Bitch…  I know you’re watching…

Is it photoshopped? You tell me.

TELL ME!

* Have you ever noticed that spellcheck always tells you to capitalize god?  I taught my computer to be an atheist, no more squiggly red lines. Huh? What? Yeah.

Night Night.