I 100% guatrantee that I am drunk as fuck while writing this and that NONE of it is proofread.

If you didn’t read that in Timon’s voice from The Lion King then you clearly have not watched it recently. I, for one, have.


I have been drinking for the past three hours…with my fiancé, of course, so I’m not a total lush, okay? We’re three bottles of wine in an wishing that we’d bought more. I didn’t anticipate that ew could go through three so easily. We’re sitting here discussing such dystopian topics as the future and wonderin where that leaves us in the long wrong. Whoa. I meant run. I don’t know why it came up like thiat.

Look, this is harder than it seems, okaY ? Seriouisly, I had so much wine, and we’re sitting here listening to Mega Man music, because that’s how boss we are. We get drunk and listen to Mega Man music and it always makes me feel like I’m in the middle of  aboss fight. I wonder if I’d win though, if I were really Iin a boss fight. I bet I’d wind up curled in a ball on the floor begging for mercy. It’s not that I’m not tough—no, maybe it is. I’m not tough. I like to pretend I am, but then I get a splinter or a hangnail and that façade is fucking over, you dig? No one’s tough fwhen it comes to that. Or tiny pimples. Tiny pimples are simply the worst thing to ever happen to a human being. The only thing worse is a tiny pimple directly under your nostril, and when you try and pop it it makes your eyes water. THOSE are the worst.

How do you type the soundswhen you make helicopter noises with your mouth? Like pfewewewewewew I don’t know. Honestly, no—wait, airplane noises? Maybe. Something rotary, I don’t know. Why nisn’t there a character for every sounds that your mouth makes? It’s unbelievable that whoa, I cazn’t believe I spelled that right. But it’s unbelievable that every book at we have ever read is comprised of 26 letters. That’s it. PEW. MIND BLOWN. But I guess it’s also equally cool that everything in our bodies is mainly carbon. Carbon. Is. The. Bomb. Diamonds are carbon, and I love them. Dogs are also sommat carbon, and I love them too. Carbon. Who knew?

Yesterday…no, wait, not yesterday, the day before, I went and saw Turbo, and guess what? It was fucking cute. I’ve never liked snails before. I’ve always just sort of, y’know, tolerated them, I guess. It’s not like you ever see a snail and you’re just like, “Whoa, it’s a snail, how cool!”, because basically you’re a liar if you said that. Unless yhou’re an entomologist or some shit. Wait, snails are gastropods, right? Whatever. I bet insect scientists study them. ANYWAY

Turo was cute, and it literally had me on edge when the little dude was in the Indianapolis 500. You know who friggin made that movie though? Paul goddamn Giamatti. You would know him from such insanely cool films as Shoot ‘em Up, if you’re on the level. I’m going to assume you’re not and you need to go see that movie right now, because let me tell you what—it’s  an hour and a half of mindless violence, sex, and crappy puns, and it’s AMAZING. I make everyone I know watch it. WATCH IT.

Anywya, this is probably nonsense. I can’t remeber my original point. OH YEAH. Idiocracy is high up on my list of movies to see. It’s pretty much a fortuneteller of the future, you hear? We’re gonna go and watch it now, if we can stop listening to such grooooovy tunes as Duff McWhalen. I don’t know. Maybe we’re gonna drink some more or something. YOu should look up everything in this article that I’ve named because it’s all relevant and AWESOEM.

Did I mention it was awesome? Because it totally is. Also, don’t drink kids, because it totally fucks with your head. Wait unti; your braincells are fully developed efore you kill them. We’re gonna listen to Shield Sheldon now, and if you don’t know what that is, may god have mercy on your deprived soul.

Until next time, boys and girls, (and you bet your ass there is a nexst time.)

Keep it fuzzy,



2 responses to “It STARTS

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